Feel helpless

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Dissociation (DID/MPD), abuse, emotional wounds, etc.

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Lifter
Posts: 23
Joined: Mon Jan 02, 2012 5:21 am

Feel helpless

Post by Lifter » Tue Nov 19, 2019 2:39 am

I have a history of suffering from OCD and my anxiety got very bad about 5 months ago. I take medication and seek therapy, but I do not notice any big difference in terms of improvement. I prayed multiple times and struggle to implement strategies implemented by my doctor, but this overthinking and anxiety is hard to stop. I feel that God does not care about me because my quality of life has suffered a lot. Some people like my dad, thinks that my emotional problem is not a legitimate issue. In his eyes, mental illness is not real while physical illnesses are. I feel very angry at my father for being uneducated and feel upset towards God for allowing me to go through this. I am confident that if I never had mental issues, I would be way more successful than I am today. By success, I mean that I would make more money, gotten married already, not still be living at home with my parents, better social skills, and perform much better at work and in all other areas of life. I feel that God is being very cruel to me by not doing anything to remove my anxiety disorder. I feel that mental illness has robbed me of my potential in various areas of life. Most people my age don't suffer from mental illness and are probably dating or already married. Everyday when I wake up, I constantly have a battle in my mind that does not go away easily. I have Kaiser Insurance and have waited over 3 months for them to send a referral for me to an OCD treatment center but every time I call, the person at Kaiser always tells me basically that it is still undergoing processing. I have to admit that I am not confident that the treatment center would help but if it did, I feel I am being cursed by God and Kaiser for having to wait so long in order to get treatment. I know it is not healthy but I sometimes play the blame game. Like I mentally blame my parents by saying that if they had raised me better, maybe I would not have suffered from OCD and maybe if I had a kinder sibling, I would have turned out much better in life. I feel that everything is against me and that God is not doing enough to help my mental state of mind. I have wasted so many seconds of my life worrying and analyzing things due to OCD and feel cheated in life as a result. My dad likes to chuckle and say very ignorant things to me when I bring up my mental struggles. I would give him a F in terms of how understanding and knowledgeable he is when it comes to having any type of mental illness. People like him [removed] me off.

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