Spiritual Death

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rjbetty
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Joined: Wed Sep 24, 2008 3:36 pm
Location: UK

Spiritual Death

Post by rjbetty » Sat Oct 13, 2012 9:44 pm

Hello.

I posted here back in February 2011 because I was greatly fearful of having reached the edge of God's hand after a long period. Then I took the rash decision to actually throw myself off.

I believe I felt the Holy Spirit leave me and it was an extremely serious event. I felt there were angels, maybe even some more senior ones present.

I came here looking for hope. I was afraid. But I received some very kind replies that did give me some hope.

I don't think I ever quite believed it wasn't over. I'm not sure. But events afterwards seemed to indicate it wasn't as over as I thought it was, that there was still life in me.

The part that comes next is very dark and disappointing, as since then I gradually slipped into sins, not resisting them. For a whole year this happened. In the last few months, it has gotten to the point where I have gotten angry at God about my life, as I am now involved with a woman who I feel has taken everything from me. My money, my confidence, my independence and my manhood. I am trapped with her and emasculated. The life I had made for myself without God has now been robbed from me. I wrongly lashed out at God as I felt it was punishment from Him for me leaving Him.

I burned with hatred for Jesus too in such a way that I have absolutely fulfilled the text in Hebrews that speaks about re-crucifying Him again. I spoke aloud extremely horrible things to Him, telling Him this is what I wanted to do.

It is worse than that.

I even have felt enmity towards the Holy Spirit, but could not bring myself to feel this fully, because I remembered that Jesus said that every sin and blasphemy towards God (and Jesus) can be forgiven, but not the blasphemy against the Holy Spirit.

Finally now, in October 2012, events have happened that should not have happened in the natural realm, and it was because of my disobedience and abandonment.

Now I find myself in a place naturally and physically where it is impossible to save myself. He is my only hope. The one I hated from my heart. I spoke several times, understanding the power of confession that He is "a useless God".

I have sinned more deeply and gravely than almost anyone on the earth. I should not be alive. There should not be allowed to be a way back. Not after last time.

But I want to. I want to stop and try to turn this around, but it's so hard. I am trying to have hope. I can only hope He will shoe me mercy as there is nothing I can do.

I am hopeless and like in 2007 I am in a position where I know I am doomed and I know I deserve it, and the only thing that can save me is mercy.

I have been rejected and hurt and shunned by people in the church, but for anyone here to do the same, I can not be offended.

I also got this far away largely by elevating arguments and the enemy's opinion in general over what God says (which is why I left the church 3 years ago anyway and slowly cut off contact with the people who stayed loyal to me too)

I just sent a text to one lady, the one who was with me in 2007 in her flat that I was renting when I came to Christ. She was almost the last Christian to keep trying to contact me. Her last text was 24th March this year (2012). That was a year after she had last seen me.

I have to hope and try. There might be, but things are very serious. I have only touched on what I have done, but you must understand that my heart is even darker. It is so hard, but I'm trying to undo the damage.

I am so hard in my heart as I write this, and experiencing conviction is very hard to come by. I am totally blinded and numb, and am finding it so hard to call out from the depths, not just from the surface flesh. And I am struggling to have or feel any willingness, but wanted to see if anyone could help.

I reached the place of the prodigal son long ago. 6 months ago I was still around the place of Samson where even though I had thrown everything away, I still had the chance to cry out to God one last time and do damage to Satan's kingdom.

Now having pushed to deliberate hatred and rejection of even Jesus, my only hope is the verse that says every blasphemy shall be forgiven except the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit, as I feel I didn't get, and didn't fully want to go that far, although I experienced enmity towards Him.

After last time, I don't deserve a chance. But I believe it really is now or never. I just want to say this to someone so someone can see it.

rjbetty
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Location: UK

Post by rjbetty » Sat Oct 13, 2012 11:45 pm

I am trying to turn back. I am fighting against demonic powers. It is very hard as I am blind and hard, but it means I have held on to life. I just don't believe demons would be attacking someone who had no hope left.

stillGods
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Post by stillGods » Mon Oct 15, 2012 6:16 am

God takes us back friend

rjbetty
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Location: UK

Post by rjbetty » Mon Oct 15, 2012 11:31 am

Thank you.

I am trying to turn this around as I am in a dark place now.

But I am in a situation where I have been living in sin with a woman. I am on my own with her in an unfamiliar town away from my friends. She is very dangerous spiritually and is up to her eyeballs in unclean spirits.

She has/had been pushing hard for sex with me. I am grateful for the value I had that allowed me not to go that far, though it went quite far.

I don't want to be harsh but I think there is a verse in proverbs that talks about people who are deceived and depraved. She staunchly believes she hears from God despite being against the bible, church, and denying Jesus is the Son of God.

The enemy is using her big time to get to me and destroy it, and because of the hard and blind state I am in and trying to get out of, I am struggling badly.

Please help.

Thank you.

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uncertain
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Post by uncertain » Wed Oct 17, 2012 6:55 am

Umm... something in me may have cried like... get out of it.

Though I'm not sure how to help, and I may be in trouble myself.

I felt some things while reading your post, though I wanted to wait and pray before replying.
rjbetty wrote:I am so hard in my heart as I write this, and experiencing conviction is very hard to come by. I am totally blinded and numb, and am finding it so hard to call out from the depths, not just from the surface flesh. And I am struggling to have or feel any willingness, but wanted to see if anyone could help.
I might have / maybe still feel kinda that way.

*praying*
&#10013;

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michel67
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Post by michel67 » Wed Oct 24, 2012 2:55 pm

rjbetty wrote:Thank you.

I am trying to turn this around as I am in a dark place now.

But I am in a situation where I have been living in sin with a woman. I am on my own with her in an unfamiliar town away from my friends. She is very dangerous spiritually and is up to her eyeballs in unclean spirits.

She has/had been pushing hard for sex with me. I am grateful for the value I had that allowed me not to go that far, though it went quite far.

I don't want to be harsh but I think there is a verse in proverbs that talks about people who are deceived and depraved. She staunchly believes she hears from God despite being against the bible, church, and denying Jesus is the Son of God.

The enemy is using her big time to get to me and destroy it, and because of the hard and blind state I am in and trying to get out of, I am struggling badly.

Please help.

Thank you.

Hi rjbetty

Its good to have you here. I know it may be easier said than done , but i would get away from the other woman, try to distant youreself from her. If as you say she is very dangerous spiritually, and you know she has unclean spirits , then you know you need to stay away from her and do not need all that in youre life when youre trying to get some freedom.
She may believe or think she is hearing from God but most likely she is not, but hearing from a demon and evil spirit instead. If you believe in youre heart the enemy is using her to get to you then distant youreself from her. Being near her, and with her, and letting her in youre life, may only be hurting you more and from what it sounds like you dont want to hurt more or want more bad in youre life and on you but you are wanting good, better, peace, joy, happiness.
You dont want in that dark place any more , you want out , and in the Light. I understand about having a hard heart, it is some times hard to let go and some times does make us blind and numb. I let myself get a hard heart after time, after feeling too much hurt, and put myself or allowed myself in that dark place. The dark place is not good, and in the end will not help at all but only hurt you more .
I think you know in youre heart you need to step away from the other woman, maybe as a beginning out of the dark place . Look to God, seek Him, call to Him, and listen as you are able to . Ask Him to take you out of the dark place and bring His Light into and onto you. He will direct you , and heal you.
God hears you, sees you, and Loves you.
Praying for you...

LUCIANA
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Post by LUCIANA » Sun Oct 28, 2012 10:21 am

GREETINGS IN THE NAME OF THE LORD AND SAVIOUR 'JESUS CHRIST', HE WILL NEVER REJECT YOU AND IS WAITING TO RECEIVE YOU BACK, REPENT AND BE SAVED, LEAVE THE PAST AND MOVE ,CUT ALL TIES, FIND A GODLY CHRISTIAN TO HELP YOU AND SUPPORT YOU,YOU CAN MESSAGE ME, I BEEN THERE AND HAVE MY OWN BATTLES, BUT ''THE LORD NEVER LEAVES US NOR FORSAKES US, HE IS WITH USB ALWAYS'' WE WALK AWAY BUT HE NEVER WALKS AWAY FROM US, WE GRIEVE HIS HOLY SPIRIT, RIGHT NOW IS CONVICTING YOU OF SIN, THERE IS REPENTANCE IN YOU, TAKE A STEP OF FAITH AND CUT ALL TIES WITH THIS JEZEBEL, AND MOVE SOMEWHERE SAFE AND FAR FROM HER, YOU KNOW SHE HAS CAUSED YOU TO SIN, AND YOU ADMIT THE WRONG YOU HAVE DONE, YOU HAVE JUST CONFESSED, PRAY TO ''THE LORD'' TO FORGIVE YOU, SEEK HELP, AND RETURN TO ''THE HEAVENLY FATHER'', WHILE THERE IS TIME, IF YOU WANT HELP I KNOW A COUPLE THAT CAN PRAY WITH YOU, BLESSINGS IN 'JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR',LOVE L*** :wave: :wave: :wave:

rjbetty
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Joined: Wed Sep 24, 2008 3:36 pm
Location: UK

Post by rjbetty » Sat Nov 10, 2012 6:24 pm

Hi there,

Thank you for your kind replies everybody. (It so doesn't matter if you don't feel able to help, it's ok)

Unfortunately I think the living situation won't be able to change too soon. It's complicated... But for now I just need to find my strength in the One who I have hated...

He has turned things around for me very much this last month. This woman has "taken" (or I've given) almost everything of who I am, and the rest of my money. I am now in debt (-£,1200) for the first time in my life. I have also been in a bad way physically and my confidence is totally broken, and I'm not in work.

But with a faithful lady who has been praying for me, we are praying and seeing God put things into action. He has and is saving me from disaster in many ways.

Yesterday I was refunded £104 which had been charged in error last year. I believe He did that for me. Though it is fairly little (actually it's not), it is appreciated.

But I am scared of this woman (the spirits behind her), because she is also blackmailing me (it's complicated). I feel unable and weak and undiscerning against them/her. Even just talking to her somehow opens up big doorways for the enemy, who's presence is horrible. Yet it's really hard to keep avoiding her as I manage to mostly do. It's because I let her trample all my boundaries in the beginning. I knew I was getting into an ungodly thing at the time... I am so glad I didn't get intimate with her, because of the values that God put in me. Even in my darkest times I held onto it. I am in the position of having not given myself to a girl before, or since Christ in my life. I am so glad I held onto it, as it would have finished me if I hadn't. But I have slept in the same bed as her several times...

She talks to me a lot about evolution and her beliefs of God (totally false doctrine). To me, it is so obviusly a Jezebel spirit. She heavily has all the other main characteristics too. My faithful friend said it well - she seeks to destroy men of God. It is hard and scary because I can't see spiritually because of everything I've been doing and all the times I wouldn't return to Him...
But I am going to go to church in the morning. He will give me so much strength if I do, I believe.

I think she wants me to be weak and helpless in every way so I am dependent on her and can't leave. She has largely succeeded, but all is not lost.

But He has shown He is mindful. I said I would try to follow Him again if He would help me. He has done a lot this last month.

stillGods
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Post by stillGods » Sat Nov 10, 2012 6:35 pm

it is good to hear of the progress and of how God has been encouraging and helping you.

Every time we turn to God He gives us grace, you can be very sure of this friend. Even though it seems the way is unclear at times as you keep turning to God you will find God's grace to help you every time.

be strong my brother in Christ, we are praying for you.

rjbetty
Posts: 9
Joined: Wed Sep 24, 2008 3:36 pm
Location: UK

Post by rjbetty » Sat Nov 10, 2012 6:49 pm

Thank you very much.

It means much because I feel alone in this house and town.

Psalm 40:11-15
"LORD, don't hold back your tender mercies from me.
Let your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me.
For troubles surround me-
too many to count!
My sins pile up so high
I can't see my way out.
They outnumber the hairs on my head.
I have lost all courage.

Please, LORD, rescue me!
Come quickly, LORD, and help me.
May those (spiritual enemies) who try to destroy me
be humiliated and put to shame.
May those who take delight in my trouble
be turned back in disgrace.
Let them be horrified by their shame,
for they said, "Aha! We've got him now!"

Psalm 25:16-20
"Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and have distress.
My problems go from bad to worse (but they are getting better).
Oh, save me from them all!
Feel my pain and see my trouble. (I'm nowhere near this contrite though...)
Forgive all my sins.
See how many (spiritual) enemies I have
and how viciously they hate me!
Protect me! Rescue my life from them!"

GraceBestowed
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Post by GraceBestowed » Sun Nov 11, 2012 3:36 am

I cannot relate fully and not sure I can help, but there is something you said that did pop out to me.

I am so thankful that God loves us the way HE does. You are not beyond hope. Jesus is reaching out to you. Thank you for posting here.

I too have pushed it to that point. I have gotten to the point where the only scripture I could hold onto was that the only sin that could not be forgiven was blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. I previously reached that point as well. God is good. He will leave the 99 sheep to seek out the 1. I am struggling again as well, but God is there and from what you said it sounds as though He is there for you right now too.

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