Hopeless Case

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ryne
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Hopeless Case

Post by ryne » Thu Jul 24, 2008 5:33 pm

(Caution: some sex stuff in here)

Hello all:

I recently found this forum and I thought I would give you a life story and maybe some would have some insights. I'll try to be brief and hit the highlights of what may or may not be affecting me demonically.

First off, my parents weren't married when I was conceived. They married afterwards, so I was conceived in lust and brought into this world a bastard child. I had pneumonia at birth and had to stay in the hospital an extra 2 weeks until I was well enough to leave.

I was baptised a Catholic, went to parochial school for 2 years, was an altar boy. My dad moved us around alot when I was young. I went to 5 different schools K-12. When the going got tough, he picked us up and moved to a new town.

I am male and when I was about 11 I was sexually abused by another man. This happened a few times. It was about this same time period we moved to city #3 in my youth and then less than a year later city #4. It was pretty unsettling. I was going through puberty, had just been abused sexually, and we moved from town to town so fast that I wasn't making an friends. Looking back I was a normal curious happy go lucky kid. And then with all the events going on I became more shy and introverted around then.

As sons do, I wanted and needed the comfort and love and all that fatherly stuff from my father. He was distant and in hindsight, all this stuff is in hindsight (I'm 42), I never felt I was loved by him. My parents often fought and I realize there marriage was forced because my mom got pregnant. If I had never been conceived, there's a good chance they'd never have married. So when somethings not going right in the marriage, I might be subconscously to blame for them, as without me they wouldn't be together.

I learned how to quit pretty good from my dad. I quit one of my high school sports teams. I quit 2 different colleges 4 times, I quit jobs. When the going got tough I would just bottle up and run away from any problems.

My first year in college, I discovered the underground world of anonymous homosexual sex. I went to an adult bookstore once and looked at porn. Second time I went I discovered the back room. Third time I went and had quick sex with another man. Thus began a long life of promiscuity.

I was attracted to women in a normal heterosexual way. I had girlfriends throughout college. But I was very shy, very introverted. I found that if I wanted to have sex with another person that it was very simple to do that with other men, you just needed to know where to go. I was very popular in that world as I was young, thin, blonde, athletic and most importantly, I looked and acted straight. This became a substitute for love as I would find affirmation from other men this way and screwed me up for relationships ever since.

I was very well traveled throughout my twenties. If you know where to look, you can find this gay underworld in practically any city in the USA and have anonymous sex. I as in that lifestyle for 14 years and was very promiscous having over 1000 male partners. I probably had a dozen female partners as well.

I never identified as gay. Mostly I was just in it for the sex. And then later oftentimes for the touch of another human being. I never had a boyfriend or went to gay bars or got involved in gay causes or anything. Most of my partners were just one time deals where I never saw them again. Somehow, I never got sick with any STD's or AIDS.

I was really living a double life. I was athletic and involved in sports and had sports friends and college friends. But late at night I was sneaking out and living another life. I had to keep the two very separate. I had to change who I was in the real world to protect the hidden world. Eventually I just kept shutting down internally and pushing everyone away away away until I was left pretty much alone to live out the secret life without fear of discovery.

At 32, I heard the gospel for the first time in my life and was born again shortly thereafter. Because of the initial joy and newness of everything, I was able to, by willpower, cut off the sexual desires and not act on them. I did eventually give in though a few times.

I remember when I first understood the reality of demons. I was watching a tape of a service where there was an anointed man of God preaching. At the end of the service he ministered to some people who came forward. He commanded a spirit of lust to come out of someone. I literally fell out of my chair as a demon jumped out of me. I sat there on the floor shellshocked. Then, I was bombarded with thoughts of going to a place to meet up with a man, my mind just racing, just being compelled and urged pressingly to go go go. Probably within an hour I gave in to those compulsions. I didn't know what to do.

Eventually the gay sex stuff has receded and I haven't acted on that stuff in a long long time now. It's been put away. I have real problems with eating right now. And smoking cigs. And relationships of course. I've put away almost all of my friends and am very alone right now. I go hot and cold with spiritual things alot, living on a rollercoaster. My heart is filled with alot of nasty weeds that spill forth a bunch of sinful fruit. I'm tormented demonically in alot of different ways too.

A couple other things that may be significant and then I'll close.

A few years ago I got very sick and had to be in the hospital for 8 days. The first few days it was touch and go, life and death. But, even though they ran every test they could think of, they couldn't find out exactly what was wrong with me. Afterwards, God showed me that it was an attack and that Satan's plan was to kill me then and there, as he comes to kill steal and destroy. A year ago I again had to have a hospital stay and again they couldn't find what was wrong with me. This time though I came out with psoriasis covering about 80% of my body.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot my title of this post. Between those hospital visits I made a special trip to a deliverance ministry in Texas. I went to their Sunday service and the pastor agreed to meet me the next day for counseling and deliverance. He was going to pray and asked me to call him in the morning to set up a specific time to meet. I called him on Monday and he told me he couldn't meet with me. That in prayer he said the Holy Spirit told him that I was a hopeless case. (And I don't quite know how to handle that). And refused to see me, so I left. (And then had the second hospital episode immediately thereafter)

A couple other random things: I was hypnotized once. I had tarot cards read for me once. I did an animal spirit guide discovery meditation once. I once found some transexual pictures on my dad's computer. I am aware of the curse of the bastard and a curse of the vagabond maybe affecting me somehow.

I guess in closing, I'll say I'm real empty. I'm born again and have sought the baptism of the Holy Ghost but haven't received. I'm pretty lonely without friends right now. Somehow thru all this I do hear from God occasionally internally and have had some dreams from Him. But, I am paralyzed in inaction. I am tormented internally by little things here and there. I wonder how my soul has been fractured with all the sexual partners I was joined to. I wonder now about this disassociation stuff and how many parts are put away. Fargo is pretty dead spiritually and I don't know anyone in this area that does deliverance. I opened up to one pastor here once and he prayed a quick prayer and sent me on my way.

I know that it's a rarity for a person to get so deep into homosexuality and come out the other side and find the freedom in Christ. I know that I am called to show others the way after I have gone through it myself. God has been very gracious and has taught me much. Sadly though, I have just that, alot of knowledge about things, but no real fruit. I am usually paralyzed in inaction and bound up inside just trying to stay hidden and not hurt myself or others.

Any help would be greatly appreciated,

Ryne
Col 3:2 Set your affection on things above

laura
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Post by laura » Thu Jul 24, 2008 6:09 pm

e-mail the exorcist his name is Jay.
He lives in Dallas and he's nice.

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ryne
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Post by ryne » Thu Jul 24, 2008 6:12 pm

Just to be clear, I'm in Fargo ND. I was passing through Texas (Dallas actually) and saw a deliverance minister there (not Jay though, didn't know of him).
Col 3:2 Set your affection on things above

laura
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Post by laura » Thu Jul 24, 2008 6:17 pm

It does not matter where you
are he will help you.He has help
me.He might be able to help you
with a place to stay and help to
get there just e-mail him.
jay AT jaybartlett DOT org

Laura

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Robert L
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Post by Robert L » Thu Jul 24, 2008 6:30 pm

Precious brother in Christ,

First of all, welcome to our forum. You have came to the right place! We love you with a Christ-like brotherly love.

I have heard of ministers telling people that they were beyond hope. That is downright terrible to tell somebody who is seeking help. It is the work of Satan operating through people who say things like that! Brother, I'm telling you, do not believe them! I believe that the Holy Spirit has shown me that when a person is seeking help, and loves Jesus, then they are not beyond hope. God's Word tells us that He turns down NOBODY who comes to Him!

John 6:37 All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out.

One book I highly recommend that you read is Victory over Darkness by Neil T. Anderson. That will get you on the path to freedom. You will soak up that book like a sponge!

I love Neil's ministry, but I want you to know that he doesn't take you through the process of deliverance where demons are cast out (that I know of at least). He does a great job at taking a person up the point of casting out demons, but stops there. Don't let that stop you from seeking the actual part of deliverance where demons are cast out. However, his book on Victory over Darkness is a must-read for somebody who's been through all that you've been through.

Brother, the love of Christ is so beyond wonderful. His Blood paid for ALL of your sins. Do you agree that what you've done calls for the death penalty? Then guess what? Jesus PAID the death penalty on your behalf!

All those soul ties can be broken. All those failures are not beyond the price that Jesus paid for your salvation. There's nothing you've done that cannot be erased from your account! There's no demon in you that cannot be driven out. There is no reason why you cannot be totally set free, and come to the place of wholeness and freedom that Jesus wants you to have. God wants you to be so free that you can wholeheartedly ENJOY life and LOVE the person whom He has formed within you. You were NO mistake. God allowed you to be conceived, and therefore you were made by His hands. Your parents may have made mistakes, but that is not your fault. That is between them and God, and you are not meant to carry that burden. Ryne, you are special, and God meant for you to be here. He loves you, and desires to see you set free more than you desire it. One day when I was seeking my deliverance, the Holy Spirit said to me, "You bet I want you to be delivered, my Son paid a STEEP price for your freedom!"

I recommend filling out our referral request form, so we can try to hook you up with help hopefully there in ND. Here's the link:

http://www.ministeringdeliverance.com/r ... ferral.php

If that doesn't work out and you can get back down to Texas, Jay Bartlett is a top notch deliverance minister... he would never have told you that you're hopeless. He goes on the forum here with the name Exorcist. He's a dear brother in Christ, and would be the guy to see if nobody else can seem to help you.

Keep in touch with us brother... we care about you!

With much love in Christ,
Robert
Religion brings outward conformity; relationship transforms the heart.
It was the religious folks who hated and murdered the Son of God.
Is it not rightly said that religion is Satan's version of Christianity?

laura
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Joined: Fri Dec 15, 2006 1:43 am

Post by laura » Thu Jul 24, 2008 6:30 pm

If you get to talk to Jay
let me know.I know you
will like him.He wont ever
say it's hope less.

Laura

Jewels

Post by Jewels » Thu Jul 24, 2008 6:31 pm

ryne.
I dont believ there are any hopless cases fro Jesus......
I love u brother... dont give up. DONT GIVE UP! :wave:

mike3
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Post by mike3 » Thu Jul 24, 2008 7:45 pm

Welcome ryne!

Brother you have NO idea what we all (I mean the folks that post here) have been through!! But Jesus Loves us and is Cleaning us up right!

Hope you are well and I wanted you to know that alot of your story is similar to mine. God Bless you and Keep you and provide you with His Peace!!!

Mike


Laura, thank you for encouraging ryne! God Bless you and I hope you feel safe about posting here!

Mike
Jesus is our Liberator! Trust Him to set you Free!

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Daughter
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Post by Daughter » Thu Jul 24, 2008 8:12 pm

laura,
It is nice to meet you.
You'll have to post a bit later and introduce yourself.
Have we met?


RYNE,
Welcme.
I have read my Bible through and through. I bet you have to. The word "hopeless" is just not there. There were no hopeless cases for Jesus. People came to him sick, broken, sinful and he healed them --- everyone. He turned no one away. Not only did he heal them, but He also forgave them. Everyone.
YOU are NOT a hopeless case. None of us are. Not in God's eyes.

Please listen to Jay and Robert. They speak the truth.
Dr. Anderson's books are very eye opening.

We love you and are praying for you. Please feel free to post here.
You are a very strong person, I can tell. God has very special plans for you. Keep walking.
A Daughter of the King

" .....Therefore He does much more than we could ever ask for or imagine, according to HIS POWER working in US!"
Ephesians 3:20
:)

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star 59
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Post by star 59 » Thu Jul 24, 2008 10:15 pm

First of all, as a Blood bought child of God, I speak life into you not the life you have expierenced but the abundant life that you have been promised through the shed Blood of Jesus Christ of Nazareth....All the lies that you have accepted I rebuke in the name of Him who has set you free and is setting you free and will continue to set you free ....Jesus the Christ ...the One and only King of Kings and the One and only Lord of Lords.....The lie that you are hopeless is just that a lie from the enemy...Do not accept this for absolutely nothing is impossible to him that believes......You have called upon the Name of the Lord and your name has been writen in the Lamb's Book of Life.......Do not keep looking back but look to your Redeemer for He is close to you.......He is able to do much more than you can ever think for your eye has not yet seen nor your ear yet heard nor has it entered yet into your heart the things God has prepared for you, His beloved and cherished child....


Blessings..........................
"YOU SHALL TRAMPLE THE WICKED FOR THEY SHALL BE ASHES UNDER THE SOLES OF YOUR FEET"...

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Rescuer
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Post by Rescuer » Fri Jul 25, 2008 4:29 am

Hi dear brother, Ryne,

We are here to serve in the love of Jesus Christ. It is our honor to pray for you and to assist you. Just KNOW you have family here in Dallas that want to help you find FREEDOM!

Let me know if we can help you as we do care!

Jay
"For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves..."

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Rescuer
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Post by Rescuer » Thu Aug 07, 2008 8:46 pm

Ryne,

??????
"For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves..."

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ryne
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Post by ryne » Fri Aug 08, 2008 6:15 am

I'm in Fargo ND Jay, a long way away from Dallas, with no immediate plans to do much traveling.
Col 3:2 Set your affection on things above

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Rescuer
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Post by Rescuer » Fri Aug 08, 2008 3:02 pm

ryne wrote:I'm in Fargo ND Jay, a long way away from Dallas, with no immediate plans to do much traveling.
:wave: How far are you from Cleveland, Ohio?
"For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves..."

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hello

Post by gabby247771 » Fri Aug 08, 2008 5:00 pm

Hello
when are you expecting to be in ohio again??
I would like to go,,it is only few hours from me,,but I know time was a factor with all the ppl there last time,
+)

ty
Have a Blessed Day! for it is Written: I will never leave you, nor forsake you!

Live for God Destroy the pricipalities of Darkeness!!!!

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