How to Forgive Another Person for Past Hurts

Come join us to discuss the subject of inner healing.<br />
Dissociation (DID/MPD), abuse, emotional wounds, etc.

Moderator: Moderator Staff

Post Reply
Elijah2
Posts: 232
Joined: Wed Nov 01, 2006 9:23 pm
Location: Australia

How to Forgive Another Person for Past Hurts

Post by Elijah2 » Tue Oct 25, 2011 9:22 pm

As much as we try, but we are not able to get through life without being hurt or offended by another person. Every human on the planet at one time or another, have experienced the pain of a thoughtless or deliberate remark through innuendoes, gossip or lie. Many have experienced an unhappy marriage, the devastation of infidelity, or suffered physical or emotional abuse from other people around us. We all know what it feels like to be hurt, and offended, and being lonely. We tend to hold on to these feelings and build a wall of safety around ourself, but the best way to heal is to forgive the person who hurt and offended us.

What Is Forgiveness?
When we forgive another person, we no longer allow their behaviour to cause us any further anger, pain, bitterness, resentment, or hatred. When we choose NOT to forgive, we make the choice to hold on to our feelings of our hurt and offence.

Why Should I Forgive?
If we think of forgiveness as a gift that you give to yourself, because it’s not something we do for the person who hurt us, it’s a gift to ourself, because it enables us to stop feeling the pain of not knowing why we feel this way, and we will stop pushing other people away. Forgiveness frees us from anger, pain, bitterness, resentment, and hatred and allows us to restore our ability to have close and satisfying relationships with other people, and our Lord Jesus Christ.

Our anger, pain, bitterness, resentment, or hatred toward another person are our poisonous emotion that destroy our “soul”, because we become consumed with our hurt and offence, and it’s as if we are filled with poison. If these feelings are not resolved, then they can begin to eat us out within our soul.

We have two choices, we either to stay connected to the person who hurt us by keeping our poisonous feelings alive; or we let the feelings go and forgive the person who harmed us. When we have unforgiveness in our heart, we need to ask ourself: “Who is actually being hurt”, and we will see that we are the one and not the other person.

What Forgiveness Is NOT
Forgiving another does NOT mean we will never again feel the pain or remember those things that hurt us, and sadly the deep-down hurtful hurts will be in our memory forever, and by forgiving we are NOT pretending the hurtful behaviour never happened, because it DID happen. The important thing is that we learn from these experiences, while at the same time we are facing up to our hurt and offence, and letting go of our painful feelings.

Forgiveness is NOT about right or wrong. It doesn’t mean that the person’s behaviour was acceptable, and we are not excusing their behaviour, or giving permission for their behaviour to be repeated or continued, but we are putting an end to our hurting and offence.

When we forgive another person, it does NOT mean we wish to continue our relationship with them, but we can forgive a person and live our life apart from them. But, at the same time of forgiveness we are to love them from our heart, and by doing so we are able to pull that thorn out of our heart that has been hurting and offending us for so long.

Forgiveness can only take place because we have the ability to make a decision and choice. We have the choice to forgive or not to forgive. No other person can force us to do either, but we still need to realise that our Lord Jesus Christ had commanded us to forgive one another and to love one another, and if we disobey HIS Commands, then we are sinning!

Steps to Forgiveness
The experience of forgiveness is a process. Since each situation is unique, it is impossible to predict how long it will take or which steps will be the most important to carry out. Here are some ideas for beginning the process:

We need to acknowledge our feelings of anger, pain, bitterness, resentment, or hatred. Sometimes it seems like it might be easier to deny the feelings or push them back down, because it hurts to feel them, it’s like a fishhook impaled our flesh. When we deny our feelings, it will only cause us more pain and will PROLONG our hurt and offence.

We need to express our feelings, no matter how badly we were treated by our offender; or how angry, bitter, or resentful we feel toward those people; but it’s never acceptable to harm anyone else. We may need to find another person to talk to sharing with them our feelings toward another person who hurt us.

Depending on the situation, we may find that the person who hurt us may still be a threat or danger to us, physically or emotionally, and it’s very important to protect ourself from being harmed again.

At some point our healing we you will see that we are harming ourself by holding on to our feelings of anger, pain, bitterness, resentment, or hatred. These feelings can take up space in our natural mind (our brain) and spiritual mind (our heart), and intrude our sense of well being that we could become physically and emotionally ill. When we begin to experience this, then we are ready to make the decision to stop hurting ourself by forgiving the other person.

We need to be willing to see the situation from the other person’s point of view, as this will help us to develop “compassion”, which will eventually replace our feelings of anger, pain, bitterness, resentment, or hatred.

It’s not necessary to know why the hurtful behaviour happened, even thought we may learn of the reason why it was so, because we won’t feel any better. Sadly, we often find that the person who harmed us hasn’t a clue they did it either.

Think about the part that we may have played in the situation, and we are NOT to blame ourself; rather, we need to forgive ourself for the role we may have played.
Also, we need to recall a time when we may have caused harm to another person, and that person forgave us. We need to remember what the guilt felt like, then remember what we felt when the other person forgave us. We probably felt grateful and relieved, and we need to remember how this felt and consider giving this same gift to the person who hurt us.

We need to make a list of the actions we need to forgive, and describe the specific actions that caused us the harm.

I’ve found one way of overcoming the harm a person had caused me, by writing a letter to the person who harmed me, then after reading it, tear it up, and not mail it. I would describe the positive aspects of the relationship and express my forgiveness for the hurtful behaviours of the other person, and I would express all of my positive and negative feelings.

We need to forgive ourselves for hurting other people when we made a mistake and realise that we were wrong, knowing that you didn’t set out deliberately to hurt another person.

Once we have let go of the pain and released ourself form past hurts, we will most likely feel a greater sense of freedom and wellbeing. Now we are free to move on with our life without any anger, pain, bitterness, resentment, or hatred, and we no longer need to look back on our past with anger.

A simple prayer of forgiveness:

Heavenly Father, I come to You through our Lord Jesus Christ, I do now forgive (individual's name---either living or dead) for (verbally share every hurt and pain our Lord brings to your mind and how it made you feel). I thank You, Lord Jesus Christ, for forgiving them when they committed the offence, and for forgiving me when I was offended. I ask You to bless them, Lord. I have FORGIVEN them and I LOVE them!

(AMEN)

User avatar
michel67
Posts: 708
Joined: Mon Jan 25, 2010 8:08 pm

Post by michel67 » Tue Oct 25, 2011 10:56 pm

I just wanted to say Thank You for this Elijah,, im sure others appreciate it as well... years ago i as well wrote a letter to someone but i wrote two, the first i had given to the person and the second i wrote and tore up...


Thank You for taking the time to share this with everyone...

Elijah2
Posts: 232
Joined: Wed Nov 01, 2006 9:23 pm
Location: Australia

Post by Elijah2 » Wed Oct 26, 2011 1:28 am

michel67 wrote:I just wanted to say Thank You for this Elijah,, im sure others appreciate it as well... years ago i as well wrote a letter to someone but i wrote two, the first i had given to the person and the second i wrote and tore up...


Thank You for taking the time to share this with everyone...
Thanks Michel, I wrote letters for 2 years to people who had caused me much grief, and pain. I never sent them, but read them, and then tore them up into little pieces.

I would then write letters again, each time my grief and pain began to diminish, and finally, I had no one to write to.

We can put all our hurt, pain, and grief out on paper but really never send it to anyone, but to our Lord Jesus Christ. And finally we are healed.

Blessings.

Elijah2
Posts: 232
Joined: Wed Nov 01, 2006 9:23 pm
Location: Australia

Post by Elijah2 » Wed Oct 26, 2011 1:29 am

michel67 wrote:I just wanted to say Thank You for this Elijah,, im sure others appreciate it as well... years ago i as well wrote a letter to someone but i wrote two, the first i had given to the person and the second i wrote and tore up...


Thank You for taking the time to share this with everyone...
Thanks Michel, I wrote letters for 2 years to people who had caused me much grief, and pain. I never sent them, but read them, and then tore them up into little pieces.

I would then write letters again, each time my grief and pain began to diminish, and finally, I had no one to write to.

We can put all our hurt, pain, and grief out on paper but really never send it to anyone, but to our Lord Jesus Christ. And finally we are healed.

Blessings.

nautical999
Moderator Staff
Posts: 1842
Joined: Fri Jan 02, 2009 1:28 pm
Location: illinois

Post by nautical999 » Thu Oct 27, 2011 2:26 am

healing can come slow or healing can come fast. A lot of times it is depending on how fast the person is wanting to go and also how fast the Holy Spirit knows that you can go. The reasons behind some pains are so great that if the Lord brought it all up at once it would hurt too much. Healing is like an onion and sometimes comes in layers.
A thousand shall fall at my side and Ten thousand by my right hand

Elijah2
Posts: 232
Joined: Wed Nov 01, 2006 9:23 pm
Location: Australia

Post by Elijah2 » Thu Oct 27, 2011 5:55 am

Yep Naut, I always use the onion layers as an example to a person who they can be healed. One layer at a time, slowly and surely, they will be healed.

Blessings.

Post Reply